The Grandparents’ Blog

When the man in your life retires, you both talk about it and plan it. How you both look forward to retirement, hoping you will have time to travel, read, cross-stitch, walk, spend more time with the grand-children and enjoying the garden. He can start on that list of jobs he said he would do for weeks, months or maybe even years. No more alarm clocks, being able to sleep in, wake when your body wakes you…..

Well at least one of these dreams comes true – the last one.

The real truth is that when my husband came home one day, he said “The company is retiring me early!” Five years before we planned, that comes as a shock!!!! Reality hits us, he is going to be home 24×7. At last! Great, no it is not great!

I said to my husband, “Now that you are retired, I want to retire too.” The look on his face was surprise! But his answer was “Yes, yes”.

Then a few minutes later came “But who is going to cook, wash up, clean the house, and to look after me!”

With a smile on my face I said “YOU, you are going to share 50% of my work so I can retire as well”. This was not going the way he had expected, but he did agree.

We both had to do a lot of changing – this was not easy for either of us. We were two people who were bosses – each in their own jobs, he in his, me in mine.

At first we just started the day as we always did, with one difference, I had a growth that was stuck to me, every time I moved he was there saying “You bumped me.” My reply was “You are right on top of me I bumped you because you are like my shadow.” When washing up, every time he dried some thing he would say “I don’t know where this goes”. Again my reply was, “Well open every cupboard in the kitchen and find out where it goes – this is your kitchen as well as mine”. Almost every minute he would say “What do you want me to do now?” or “I don’t know where this goes” – well what is it? A towel? Well where do you think we put clean towels.

Every time I moved “Where are you going?” Every job I did he would stand and watch. “You missed a bit”, he would say. When we went food shopping, he would want to pack the bags – Bread on the bottom – cans on top! There we are at the till, I would say “Let me do it – I don’t want my bread on the bottom.” Now I just stand back and let him pack, and he no longer puts the bread on the bottom.

I did say we need to share. I have been taking care of the house, the children, the pets, the garden, redecorating when the house was hit by lighting and burned out every appliance and later when the house flooded, (no wonder it was called Brook House!). Now he is retired, he wants to take over and he does not know the ropes. Truth is I now know why so many of my friends parted in their first years of retirement. When I wanted something done like the lawn cut, he would say “I will do it later,” this used to be my job, when he was working. When I get up in the middle of the night to use the toilet, he would say “Where you are going?” “I am going to use the —– toilet. Where do you think I am going?” I started to say to him when I got up in the night, “I am going to meet my lover” He does not ask anymore, most times I don’t even wake him.

I need my own space, this was driving me nuts. It was like having a child in the house. Something had to change – it was me. Yes me. I had to look at him as a stranger in my home and try to treat him accordingly.

I would look at him and say to myself, “OK, you are used to telling others what to do and how to do it. I know you must feel useless. One day the manager in power, the next nothing. You want to control me but can’t. I know you are trying to help, but you are doing it wrong, not doing it my way.” But maybe it is me, it may not be my way but he is doing it. So everything I now do I tell him why I do it, what I look for or feel. This was hard for me to say “OK, you do it” and not worry whether he was doing it right, did he remember to …. If you don’t stand over and watch him with one eye, you don’t know how it was done. When you look at it later it looks good, thank you. It was not easy to look away and shut my mouth, but I did.

For instance, “Those pans are like a puzzle so when you put them away you may need to stack them large to small lids upside down, so the pans can sit on top of each other… When you get the paper towels down, be careful because I have them on top of the baskets and make sure the basket does not fall, I have lots of little thing in there.”

I also had to learn not to jump on him if he did some thing like mop the kitchen floor, when he was not doing it my way, but he was doing it. Things were getting better. Now he has changed, he had to learn to fit into my ways and I had to learn that it was like starting a new job for him, one he never did before. He would start to make suggestions like “If you move the cabinet there it would look better, you could see the figurines better”. Yes, that was good, so we started to work together.

I guess one of the biggest things is not to take each other for granted. We asked each other “Would you like to go to so and so … or do you want to do… ”. Sometimes we forget to ask. He still asks me questions but not as silly as before.

Now, if I have to look after the grandchildren, or wait for a delivery man, at my children’s house and I may be out most of the day, he will say “While you are out, I will do the ironing, vacuuming and get the dinner ready, what would you like for dinner?” I will leave it up to him, or I may suggest pasta, I love pasta. Then on the other hand sometimes I say “You go look after the grandchildren or you go wait for the delivery man” and he does and I stay home. I get a little time for me.

We get on much better, but it was not easy and it has taken two to three years. Don’t get me wrong, he can still drive me nuts, he slows me down, I don’t get nearly as much done as I would like. If he wants to do something he enjoys, he is off in a flash, but if I want him to do something he is not interested in, it is hard work. I still need to remind him to do some things but never to clean the kitchen – he just does it including putting out the rubbish.

But he still can’t handle family stress too well. As far as that goes, I find it harder as well, but we manage. We are always together, I guess the one thing I miss most is my time, we both get a bit of our own time and space but not as much as we would like. I love my own space.

He has taken to these changes well, he has really tried, and it was not easy for either of us. He now cooks, cleans irons, washes clothes, vacuums, looks after grandchildren, and we share these jobs, we are a team now. For a 67 year old man I think he is a GREAT STAR.

But, yes, there is a BUT, he still spends too much time on his PC. I still lose my cool and still get frustrated, not so much with him but with other things.

He is my life, he loves me so much, he let me spread my wings, he let me find myself, he showed me life, and he encouraged me. He cried for me when I cry and he is happy for me when I am happy. He still tells me my hair smells nice, my skin is soft and I look good and I am beautiful.

How could I not love him more now than ever. It was a long struggle but it was worth it.

Grandma